


Hands Off My Sister!

by swiftMartyrdom (gatonip)



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/M, Pesterlog, Prankster's Gambit, sibling overprotectiveness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-08-25
Updated: 2011-08-25
Packaged: 2017-10-23 01:16:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,604
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/244639
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gatonip/pseuds/swiftMartyrdom
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dave's putting the moves on Jade and John's not happy about it.<br/>But what Dave forgets is he has a sister of his own to watch out for.<br/>(Pesterlog form)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hands Off My Sister!

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist  [EB] \--

TG: alright what the hell is your problem egbert   
EB: what are you talking about?   
TG: oh i dont know  
TG: possibly the massively uncalled for cockblock you just performed  
TG: yes im going to place all my bet money on that   
EG: really i don’t know WHAT you are talking about   
TG: come off it  
TG: i can see right through your pathetic facade like glass  
TG: youre made of glass that just got a thorough wipe down with windex   
EB: you’re going to have to be more specific than that  
EB: i don’t speak irony dave   
TG: ill put it in simple egderp terms  
TG: why the fuck did you kidnap jade from me   
EB: ‘kidnap’ is the wrong word considering i’m not keeping her against her will!   
TG: she certainly didnt want to go with you  
EB: yes she did  
TG: no she didnt  
EB: yes  
TG: no  
EB: YES  
TG: she didnt want to fucking go john  
EB: oh what do you know? and if she didn’t want to go, why did she follow me?  
TG: cuz shes too nice  
TG: shell do whatever anyone asks of her  
EB: oh good you understand  
EB: so i don’t have to explain myself then  
TG: what  
EB: you understand why i had jade leave with me  
TG: no i dont thats why i started this conversation in the first place  
TG: so what fanciful secret am i missing here  
TG: what have i said that explains me deserving the loss of such wondeful company as that of jade harley  
EB: you said it yourself, “shell do whatever anyone asks of her”  
EB: even though it looks like you called her a seashell  
TG: still not understanding what youre getting at john  
TG: wait  
TG: wait a second  
TG: are you implying what i think youre implying  
EB: depends, what do you think i’m implying?  
TG: that jade is risking her innocent damsel status if she lets me be her knight in fucking shining armor  
EB: risking her what?  
TG: goddamnit egbert  
TG: you think im going to take advantage of her and end up fucking her or something  
EB: oh okay!  
EB: yes you’ve got it  
TG: youre fucking kidding me  
EB: oh but i’m not  
EB: a true pranking master knows when it is time to prank and when it is time to be serious  
EB: these are serious matters i wouldn’t kid about  
TG: how could you even think i would take advantage of her  
TG: really i thought you knew me better than that  
EB: i thought i did too!  
EB: then you stopped talking to me as much  
EB: and when i leave you alone for 5 seconds you start making out with jade!  
TG: i start making out with her  
TG: or does she start making out with me  
EB: we both know it’s you  
TG: true but thats beside the point  
EB: the point being?  
TG: that i dont do anything shes not chill with  
TG: im no rapist nor do i ever plan on becoming one  
TG: i drive a convertable john not a white van full of empty promises of candy and bikes and lost puppies  
EB: i’m still not comfortable with this  
TG: youre being so overprotective of her dude its not cool  
TG: you didnt find out until after the game started that shes your sister so dont go all protective older brother on her now  
TG: in fact shes older than you all of us are  
EB: age doesn’t matter here! she’s my sister and i’m not letting you ‘put the moves’ on her or whatever you want to call it  
TG: thats a good way to say it yeah lets go with that  
TG: im totally putting the moves on jade  
TG: and you just need to accept that reality like its your own child  
TG: this reality is a lovechild spawn off of jade and myself and your going to have to be a supportive godfather slash uncle and accept it for what it is no matter what disabilities it may have  
EB: you know what, fine, continue messing around with my sister  
EB: just remember  
EB: that i can do the same with yours  
TG: what  
EB: that’s right dave  
EB: i can make this even  
EB: who’s to say i haven’t already?  
TG: youre screwing with me oh for a minute there i thought you were serious haha thank you for that bit of entertainment  
EB: sure dave  
EB: say, could you pass along a message to rose for me?  
EB: ask her if she’s still sore  
EB: and what brand of pregnancy test she prefers  
TG: what the fuck egbert  
TG: thats not even funny

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]\--

TG: jesus christ

 

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] \--

TG: rose are you there  
TG: rose  
TG: dont ignore me i am your superior now answer  
TG: if you dont start giving me some answers ill have blood on my hands  
TG: damnit lalonde   
TT: Oh hello.  
TT: What seems to be troubling you?   
TG: i need you to answer me something 100 percent honestly  
TG: like even more honest than a goddamn pinkie swear   
TT: Higher than a pinkie swear?  
TT: My this must be very important for you to go above such a high honorability as that of clasping the smallest of the hand’s finger bones.   
TG: quit your snarky manner for all of two seconds lalonde and listen  
TG: are you a virgin   
TT: Dave.  
TT: That is hardly any of your concern.  
TT: Whether or not I have had sexual relations with another person before is only for my own knowledge and the person I may or may have not shared the experience with.   
TG: just answer the question damnit   
TT: Why are you interested in my virginity all of a sudden?   
TG: not important  
TG: it holds no importance whatsoever it dropped importance like it was carrying it 10 miles up a hill and it weighed 50 pounds and its frail skinny arms couldnt support the weight any longer  
TG: so whats your answer   
TT: Aside from a few comments I would like to say regarding that strange simile you just dropped.  
TT: I think you should know that if you aren’t going to explain yourself.  
TT: Then I am not going to answer your question.   
TG: thats not fair   
TT: Actually it is very fair.   
TG: just tell me   
TT: You first.   
TG: you know what fine i cant take this headache thats forming  
TG: im asking because  
TG: john had a message to pass on to you  
TG: and i wanted to know if he was just pulling my chain or not   
TT: Really now.  
TT: And what was this message?   
TG: how about you answer my question first   
TT: I think not.  
TT: You will log off before you fulfill your end of the bargain.   
TG: please rose im a man of my word   
TT: Then you will tell me the message first.   
TG: ...  
TG: i guess it really doesnt matter as long as i get what i want to know  
TG: john wants to know if  
TG: and these are his words not mine  
TG: if you are still sore and what pregnancy test you prefer   
TT: Oh.  
TT: Well then.  
TT: This is a bit awkward.   
TG: why is this awkward  
TG: youre not implying that you two actually...  
TG: youre not implying that right   
TT: Um.  
TT: I must be going now.   
TG: wait what  
TG: no you have to answer my question   
TT: Some other time perhaps.   
TG: no rose you answer me right now  
TG: are you fucking egbert  
TG: damnit answer me  
TG: rose i swear if you log off

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] has ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--

TG: god  
TG: fucking  
TG: damnit

 

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] \--   
TT: John.   
EB: did he fall for it?   
TT: It appears that he did.   
EB: ohmygod this is the best prank i’ve ever pulled hands down :D  
EB: prankster’s gambit level is so high   
TT: How high?   
EB: so high you wouldn’t believe it  
EB: higher than the sky is  
EB: higher than space  
EB: higher than the entire universe even!   
TT: That is quite high.   
EB: you bet it is  
EB: oh, and rose?   
TT: Yes John?   
EB: thanks for your help :)   
TT: It was my pleasure.  
TT: Flustering my brother is not an easy task to accomplish by one’s self.  
TT: He is Dave Strider, after all.   
EB: haha yeah, only jade can pull it off  
EB: and i can’t exactly pull off her technique  
EB: i’m a boy and it definitely wouldn’t work the same for me :P   
TT: Indeed I do not believe it would.  
TT: Well I must be going now.  
TT: I just wished to inform you of your success but I have things I must attend to now.   
EB: oh, okay!  
EB: your place or mine tonight?   
TT: Seeing as I was at your house last night, I believe it is your turn to come over to mine.  
TT: You are aware that the context of this conversation makes it appear that we’re sleeping together, correct?   
EB: oh wow haha i didn’t even realize that!  
EB: no wonder dave believed us!  
EB: haha i’ll let you go now   
TT: Thank you.  
TT: I will see you later John.   
EB: bye rose i love you! <3   
TT: And I love you.  
TT: <3

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] has ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] \--

**Author's Note:**

> I can't pull off a believable Dave. I suck at irony.


End file.
